Motherhood- The Beautiful Chaos That You Are

Last week my little girl turned 1, and I couldn’t believe it. Days leading up to her birthday my mum kept calling me to remind me of moments that led up to her birth a year ago. How I had had discomforts and suddenly started to feel like I was coming down with a fever — in real sense my body was preparing to have her the next day. 

I have watched my little girl grow from the newborn who looked into space, to the infant who had her first smile at me, who babbled and nibbled at her fingers when hungry, who smiled at me during bath time whenever I tried to clean her face — we would lock eyes and she would flaunt the most beautiful smile that melted my heart. 

My only regret was never filming that moment. I watched her struggle to roll over, then sit and then crawl. Next thing you know she’s standing and my goodness when she took her first steps my whole heart was filled with so much pride and joy my body couldn’t contain. 

I watched the little human who once kicked in my tummy, grow and triple her birth weight. It’s a reminder of how bittersweet this journey of motherhood is. 

For days I have found comfort in memory lane trying to grasp onto a memory that seems to be fleeting because just while I’m holding onto a milestone a new one emerges and I find myself missing the old one while trying to be present for the new. My babygirl and companion for the boring lazy days when we would be home alone, watching discovery ID is growing before my eyes.  

In such short time, so much has happened. I have lost parts of myself and slowly regained my identity and creativity — motherhood literally led me to start this blog. 

I have battled with emotions- the guilt of choosing myself and not my baby, the yearn to be present for all things but the exhaustion that takes over sometimes; missing my old life but being unable to imagine a life without her, struggling with my career path and the next goals for my life — all these while trying to be a present wife and mother. Motherhood, the beautiful chaos that you are!

I’m learning to let go while still holding on. Learning to let her enjoy her independence especially since she started walking. She doesn’t want to be held, she wants to explore but at the end of the day when she’s cranky she runs to me to comfort. Those are some of  the moments I deeply treasure. 

I’m gradually beginning to accept normalcy. Not only is my body gradually getting back to itself, mentally and emotionally I find myself feeling like I was before I conceived, only that this time, I manage my time better because my little babbling princess has taken center stage of my life. 

Motherhood is beautifully chaotic, it’s everything and nothing at once. It’s living in the moment but also being so exhausted you might just be sleeping in the moment LOL.

As my baby turns one, I cherish the past moments and look forward to the new ones. On some nights I find myself smiling at her newborn pictures and videos, then I glance to see my infant sized angel sleeping peacefully. I love it here!

Motherhood is chaotic, exhausting, and yet endlessly beautiful. As my baby turns one, I cherish the past and embrace the joys yet to come. Here’s to the beautiful chaos we live every day.

From my nest to yours, with love, Nenye’s Nest 🕊️💕